This post is harder. It’s about transparency. The questions linger: “Do I share my struggles? Are they even legit struggles? Is it complaining? Should I just keep this to myself?”
So I’ll take a risk and will be transparent. You have gone on this journey with me and have upheld me with your prayers. Do you remember back when I was in the hospital I asked prayer for perseverance for when the “rubber meets the road”? The rubber has met the road.
I cried more yesterday than I have the whole rest of the time combined. I cried because I can’t care for my family like I want to (so thankful for my mom being here helping though!).
I cried because my skin is quite irritated and hurts because the nurse didn’t use enough product to pull off the sticky wafer on Thursday. Then (I won’t go into details but) I had an accident while changing my ostomy bag . . . Then it got worse – let’s just say it involved my phone. ‘Nuf said.
Then I wept because of the once in a lifetime “celebrate with friends” trip we were supposed to be on this weekend, the one we of course had to cancel. We had been looking forward to this trip since the spring: a very longed for and desired time away as a couple and with friends we haven’t seen in way too long. I knew Jeremy was sorely disappointed too and that made me even sadder.
I wanted to be on that trip – not at home changing a poopy bag and waiting for yet another surgery and more recovery time. All of the above kind of hit me within 15 minutes and I wept and sobbed. I even asked myself if there had been something I could have done earlier to prevent this emergency surgery from happening.
I knew all the right answers and verses. I knew I had so much to be thankful for (no cancer, reversal surgery possible, etc). I knew God was good and sovereign. I knew there were others going through much worse things than a huge incision scar, an ostomy bag and a missed “once in a lifetime” trip. I knew all this.
But still I cried. And prayed. I poured out my heart to God, ugly crying and all, laying all my disappointment and frustrations at His feet. He knows what my heart is thinking, so why be fake in my prayers? (I love the psalms for that – thanks David for your real-ness and rawness in your prayers).
Today, I’m doing better. Something snapped in me and I asked “Am I going to believe God’s promises or not?” I also listened to this song and prayed/sang it. The truths I’ve known and been repeating to myself are finally making their way to my heart and mind. I’m sure the disappointment/frustration will creep up again, but I know God’s Word and truth is stronger.
So again, thank you for your prayers. I continue to covet them in this “rubber meets the road” time. Is there something I can pray about for you? Feel free to message me! I’d love to pray about your need/struggle. Let’s bear one another’s burdens.